Leaning Into Conflict

Often in life, the most interesting conflicts are not between right and wrong. They are conflicts between competing “good things to do.” When resolving a conflict between right and wrong, you debate the issues, decide what is right, and then try and dredge up courage to do the right thing. When a conflict arises between two valuable things to do, it is much more difficult to decide what should be done.

Last August we became aware that the first night of the Grade 5 Outdoor Ed program and the first night of Hanukkah were falling on the same night. Forces beyond SF Day School’s control scheduled both events. The Marin Headlands Institute provides SFDS with a date for our annual event. We cannot reschedule. And the date of Hanukkah, well … that was decided many years ago.

This conflict put families in an impossible situation: Should they require their kids to stay home and participate in an important family religious celebration and miss Outdoor Ed, or let their kids go to Outdoor Ed and miss the family celebration? How could the School put families in such a difficult situation? How could the School resolve this conflict between two genuinely and equally valuable experiences?

A group of parents, teachers, and administrators met to discuss the situation. We did not retreat to our respective pre-determined positions and argue for the rightness of our own values. Instead, we leaned into the conflict. We listened and affirmed the values of the other. We agreed we had a big mess, and promised to avoid it, if we could, in the future. We brainstormed a long list of alternatives. We evaluated the list to see what changes in both the School program and family celebrations each idea would require. Finally we agreed to invite the Jewish families, including siblings, to come to Marin Headlands and celebrate on site. But that idea didn’t quite seem right, and the parents suggested inviting all the families. That is what we did!

The celebration took place this past Tuesday, December 4. It was a dark and stormy night. Huge waves were crashing over the 100 foot Bird Rock. Families brought latkes, applesauce, sour cream, and personal family menorahs. I told the story of Hanukkah, emphasizing the historical fight for religious freedom against an autocrat with an overwhelming and exorbitantly technologically armed force. It was a bloody story; the students were mesmerized. We ended with lighting all the menorahs.

I concluded with a discussion with the students about why we would celebrate together and get to know one another’s deep traditions. Why is it that in every tradition grandfathers tell stories to their grandchildren? What is it the elders wish their grandchildren to remember? Of course, it is the values these stories teach, and vivid personal story-telling, year after year, secures the memory deep in our consciousness. We all hope our children will live out these values in their adult lives.

By leaning into a conflict of competing “goods” we were able to enhance the family traditions of all the families in the SFDS fifth grade.

Deep and profound thanks to everyone who made it happen!.